Worried about a friend's relationship?
If you think a friend might be experiencing abuse let them know that you think the way their boyfriend or girlfriend is behaving is not respectful, and is controlling or abusive. When someone is in an unhealthy relationship it can be very difficult for them to see that what is happening is not okay. They might not think of it as abuse or they might blame themself. Tell your friend that no one deserves to be hurt or controlled and that they are not to blame.
If you can, arrange to spend time with your friend away from their boyfriend or girlfriend. Domestic abuse is often very isolating. If they are pushing you away to spend time with their partner instead it can be hard to be understanding and patient. It's important your friend knows you are there for them whenever they are ready to talk.
If you're worried talk to a parent, teacher or organisation who can help. If you're concerned your friend might not want you to tell anyone, remember the most important thing is for them and you to be safe. They will understand that you want to help them.
If you can, arrange to spend time with your friend away from their boyfriend or girlfriend. Domestic abuse is often very isolating. If they are pushing you away to spend time with their partner instead it can be hard to be understanding and patient. It's important your friend knows you are there for them whenever they are ready to talk.
If you're worried talk to a parent, teacher or organisation who can help. If you're concerned your friend might not want you to tell anyone, remember the most important thing is for them and you to be safe. They will understand that you want to help them.
Understanding why they don't leave
It can be extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship. The abuser may be threatening to hurt their partner or themself, if they leave. The abuser may say they can’t cope on their own and that they need the person to stay for them to be okay.
Your friend may be feeling ashamed of what’s happening and feel as if they are to blame. An abusive person will often tell the person they are hurting that it is their fault. Domestic abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. There is nothing that your friend could do that would make it ok for their partner to abuse them. The person you're supporting may still love their boyfriend or girlfriend and believe that they will change. This is often why women stay in abusive relationships for a long time. Unfortunately, unless the abuser acknowledges that they have a problem and seek professional help the abuse is likely to continue. It usually gets worse over time.
Their self-esteem will probably be very low as a result of what has been happening and they might feel as though they couldn't cope without their boyfriend or girlfriend. Making someone feel as like they couldn't cope out of the relationship is a tactic abusers use to keep control. In reality, your friend would probably be able to cope a lot better than they think. If they weren't being abused they would gradually build up self-confidence and start to feel better about themself.
Your friend may be feeling ashamed of what’s happening and feel as if they are to blame. An abusive person will often tell the person they are hurting that it is their fault. Domestic abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. There is nothing that your friend could do that would make it ok for their partner to abuse them. The person you're supporting may still love their boyfriend or girlfriend and believe that they will change. This is often why women stay in abusive relationships for a long time. Unfortunately, unless the abuser acknowledges that they have a problem and seek professional help the abuse is likely to continue. It usually gets worse over time.
Their self-esteem will probably be very low as a result of what has been happening and they might feel as though they couldn't cope without their boyfriend or girlfriend. Making someone feel as like they couldn't cope out of the relationship is a tactic abusers use to keep control. In reality, your friend would probably be able to cope a lot better than they think. If they weren't being abused they would gradually build up self-confidence and start to feel better about themself.
Supporting a friend in an abusive relationship
Listen. Even if the person they are saying something negative about is another friend of yours don’t try to defend the abusive person. Give your friend time to talk, but don’t push them to go into too much detail if they don’t want to. Tell them that no one deserves to be controlled, threatened or hurt, despite what their boyfriend or girlfriend might have told them. Nothing they have said or done can justify the abuser’s behaviour. Let your friend know that you believe them and they are not alone.
You could give your friend details of websites to look at for advice or the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247). If you’re younger, encourage them to talk to a parent or teacher they trust. You could also offer your friend the use of your phone if their boyfriend or girlfriend is monitoring theirs, or to stay with you if they need space away from the relationship.
Don’t pressure your friend to leave their boyfriend or girlfriend if they are not ready to. The decision to leave ultimately has to come from them and sometimes it can take several attempts before someone leaves an abusive relationship for good. Make sure you look after yourself whilst supporting your friend and talk to someone if you need advice yourself.
You could give your friend details of websites to look at for advice or the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247). If you’re younger, encourage them to talk to a parent or teacher they trust. You could also offer your friend the use of your phone if their boyfriend or girlfriend is monitoring theirs, or to stay with you if they need space away from the relationship.
Don’t pressure your friend to leave their boyfriend or girlfriend if they are not ready to. The decision to leave ultimately has to come from them and sometimes it can take several attempts before someone leaves an abusive relationship for good. Make sure you look after yourself whilst supporting your friend and talk to someone if you need advice yourself.